This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
