I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
