I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
