I need to stop coming to work sober
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
