I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Just pee around me
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Randomize
