better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
