the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
