Pants 0. Shit 1.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America