Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
