eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Im just a social blackout drinker.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.