my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
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