Pants 0. Shit 1.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
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