WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
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