Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
You left your phone here
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