my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
