Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
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I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
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