I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
