everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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