i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
