your parents love me but you hate me
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
