Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
