Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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