Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
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