You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
This can only be settled by a dance off.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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