We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Randomize
