I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
