All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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