they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
