Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
