Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Randomize