college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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