Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
