Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
