I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
