She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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