What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
my poor anus
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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