i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
