Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
