I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
