there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
