if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
