Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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