I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Randomize
