I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
