do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
