Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Randomize
