Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
