Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
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