The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
