May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
