Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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