Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Randomize
