i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
