Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
You left your underwear on the fireplace
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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