I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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