note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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