and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
don't judge my taste in strippers
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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