Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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