Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
This baby is an asshole
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
