Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
