dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
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The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
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I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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