just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
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