??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
