I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
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