I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Randomize
