what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I still have a little drunk in my system
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
